The Marauder's Map
by moneymakestheworldgoround
Summary: What happens when the Marauder's Map is sent into various people's hands who don't know how to work it? A bunch of laughs and snide comments, thats what! :D plz review! Marauder era
1. Lily

**The Marauder's Map**

**LILY**

a/n This is a series of insults for intended ppl. You know in the third HP book, Snape finds the map hurling insults at him? This is the same thing, only I'm doing it for all ppl. Have fun reading and REVIEWING!

_Lily couldn't believe him! The nerve of him! How DARE that POTTER – or 'Padfoot' as Black calls him – make mistletoe follow me all day!_

_Suddenly she stopped walking, and found something on the floor. It was a piece of old parchment. Ink lines were quickly fading away as she approached it._

_By the time she picked it up, all the ink was gone. Lily wondered what a piece of parchment with such obvious magic was lying around for._

"_Well, it never hurts to be careful," Lily said to herself. _

_Picking it up, she poked the wand and muttered, "Open and reveal your secrets."_

_Nothing happened. She tried again. "Show yourself to Lily Evans!"_

_Suddenly, a sentence in ink appeared:_

Mr Prongs would like to ask what a beautiful maiden like herself is doing picking up such an ugly piece of paper. Mr Prong's second statement is that this maiden is the apple of his eye.

_As soon as she finished reading, it faded away._

Mr Padfoot would like to agree with Mr Prongs, but 'the apple' part is not part of Mr Padfoot's statement.

_And on it went._

Mr Moony would like to present his compliments to Miss Evans, and to ask her ignore this piece of parchment.

Mr Wormtail advises Miss Evans to heed Mr Moony's advice.

Mr Padfoot would like to state that if Miss Evans does not heed Mr Moony's advice, Miss Evans is a nong.

Mr Prongs would like to apologise for Mr Padfoot's stupid comment, but does agree that Miss Evans should stop reading right now.

Mr Moony must say that if Miss Evans does not heed his very important advice, something strange will happen.

Mr Wormtail would like to mention that Miss Evans is very smart.

Mr Prongs readily agrees, and would like to comment that Miss Evan's intelligence is so lovely; he would like to bow down and worship it.

Mr Padfoot agrees that Miss Evans is very intelligent. So why in the world is she reading such silly comments?

_Lily stopped reading. It was enough. Holding the parchment tightly in her fist, she stomped her way back to "POTTER!"_

Had fun reading? Please REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you like invisible and tasteless cookies? If you do, I'll gladly offer one to you:P


	2. Peter

**The Marauder's Map**

**PETER**

a/n The next scene! It's Peter's turn!!

"_Why is she so upset?" James asked his best friends dejectedly. "It was only a little mistletoe._

_Sirius shook his head sadly. "Prongs – mate – you just gotta accept that the school is separated into thirds: one crowd would never kiss us – that includes the teachers – one crowd is in love with you, and the other is in love with ME! And sorry mate, but Evans is in crowd number one."_

_As he finished his speech, Lily came storming back in, clutching a piece of parchment in her hands._

"_POTTER!" she shrieked._

"_You miss me?" James asked, happy once more._

"_Not on your life," she hissed. "Explain this!"_

_She held the parchment out for them to see._

_All the Marauders bunched in to see. Then all as one, they paled._

"_What is it?" Lily snapped. "I know you're part of it!"_

"_Look, Evans," Sirius began, "Prongs here –"_

"_AH-HA!" she yelled. "PRONGS! The parchment says Mr Prongs, and you're calling Potter Prongs!"_

_The whole common room was silent._

_Suddenly the bell rang, signalling the start of lunch._

_Lily narrowed her eyes at them dangerously. "You're lucky that it isn't dangerous POTTER, or this … _parchment_ will be locked in Filch's office!" She thrust the paper into his hands and stalked off, ears red._

_All the Marauders stared at her back. "Wow," James finally said._

_They all snorted. "Here Wormtail, you keep it," James said to Peter, giving him the map. "Meet us down at the hall, okay?"_

_Peter nodded, and hurried up the boy's dormitories. He went to James's trunk, and was about to put it in when he realised he had the map – all by himself._

"_Um … I am up to no good," Peter said, tapping the map with his wand._

_Nothing happened._

"_I am up to no solemnly good?"_

_Nothing happened._

_Peter blew his cool._

"_I, PETER PETTIGREW, DEMAND TO OPEN THE MAP NOW!"_

_Then words began scripting onto the parchment._

Mr Wormtail would like to greet his future self.

_Peter grinned._

Mr Prongs and Mr Padfoot would like to unanimously shake their heads sadly.

_Looking confused, Peter bit his lip._

Mr Moony would like to question Mr Pettigrew's lack of sanity.

_What did 'sanity' mean?_

Mr Padfoot would like to ask if Mr Pettigrew needs to go to the hospital for some medicine since he obviously is not feeling well.

"_Well, no actually, I'm hungry, but not sick," Peter said to himself._

Mr Prongs demands that Mr Pettigrew not think about his stomach right now, and focus on what a dunderhead he is.

"_What does that mean?"_

Before Mr Pettigrew can ask what that means, Mr Prongs will explain himself. You – Mr Pettigrew, are a dunderhead, which also translates into 'stupid'.

Mr Prongs would like to suggest that Mr Pettigrew leave the map where it belongs, and join his friends.

Mr Padfoot agrees, and would also like to mention that Mr Pettigrew should really go to extra classes for help.

Mr Moony must add to Mr Padfoot's comment. When Mr Padfoot mentioned 'help', Mr Moony is very sorry to say that Mr Pettigrew _is_ in need of help – of many things.

Mr Prongs would like to add to Mr Moony's statement. The 'many things' suggest areas such as: 'remembering passwords, remembering that it's not always your stomach that's most important, spreading your knowledge of everything, trying not to follow Mr Padfoot's example –

Mr Padfoot _must_ cut in right now, because following Mr Padfoot's style is a very good thing to do. But only if you're called Sirius Black.

Mr Moony raises an eyebrow to this statement, because it simply means that Mr Pettigrew should _not_ follow Mr Padfoot's example.

Mr Padfoot would like to mention that Mr Moony is too intelligent for his own good.

Mr Moony would like to state that Mr Pettigrew should leave right now, and leave this parchment where it belongs, which belongs to Mr Prongs, or Prongs or Prongsie or –

Mr Padfoot would like to state that Mr Moony needs to sense some of his own common sense because he does not make sense!

Mr Prongs would like to mention that if there's anyone that's not making any sense, it's Mr Padfoot.

Mr Wormtail asks Mr Pettigrew to ignore this, and leave right now. Good day.

_Peter slumped over in dejection. He couldn't even remember the password! Gawd, he really needed to ask James or Sirius or Remus what the password was again._

…

So! a little bit longer than the first chapter … what do you think?? REVIEW!


	3. Snape

**The Marauder's Map**

**SNAPE**

a/n OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH … SNAPE …!!

MOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can see the tension!!!

_Peter went off to look for the rest of the Marauders, bringing the map with him. Unfortunately, he bumped into Snape on his way._

"_So … _Pettigrew_ …" Snape hissed. "What are _you_ doing, scuttling around the castle without stupid Potter and Black, by yourself?"_

_Peter started to sweat. "Nothing …!" he squeaked nervously._

"_What's that in your hand, freak?" he demanded, snatching it out of Pettigrew's grip._

"_Uh … spare piece of parchment …" he muttered feverishly._

_Snape raised an eyebrow. "Really?" he sneered. "I wasn't aware of the fact that you even knew what parchment was used for. So you'll excuse me for not believing you, Pettigrew."_

_Peter was frozen to the spot, unable to move in fear. Snape stalked off, his robes billowing everywhere._

_Finally, his stomach gave a huge rumble, and he hurried off to his friends._

_Snape went off into the Slytherin Common Room, and sat down on a couch, pondering over the paper._

_What was it? Obviously not as Pettigrew had claimed – he couldn't tell a lie to save his life. But then, what was it?_

"_Reveal your secret!" Snape muttered, pointing his wand at it._

_The parchment did nothing._

"_Do as you are told, or I – Severus Snape – will throw you into the fire!"_

_Suddenly, a sentence appeared._

Mr Prongs would like to advise Mr Snape to be very cautious, or he might make the paper too oily to read.

_Snape froze, looking shocked and angry._

Mr Padfoot would like to state that Mr Snape is an ugly git.

_The Slytherin's fists were curled into balls._

Mr Moony would like to suggest that Mr Snape go into a mental institution.

Mr Wormtail advises Mr Snape to wash his hair for the first time in his life.

Mr Prongs agrees, and would like to ask why a stupid mongrel like Mr Snape can actually read.

Mr Padfoot understands completely, and would like to mention that Mr Snape has an IQ of less than zero.

Mr Moony solemnly agrees, and thinks that Mr Snape should slither away like a stupid snake would.

Mr Wormtail would even go so far as compare Mr Snape to a hog.

Mr Padfoot disagrees, for calling Mr Snape a hog is an insult to hogs. There is no word in the world to describe Mr Snape.

Mr Prongs does not concur. Mr Prongs would think that 'oily haired idiot' is suitable enough.

Mr Moony also disagrees. Mr Snape is a dim-witted troll with no sense, who also is an absolute troll-like dingbat.

Mr Wormtail must agree with all statements.

Mr Prongs might also add that Mr Snape is an ugly person with no heart.

Mr Padfoot might also add that Mr Snape is a filthy and stinky snail.

Mr Moony does not agree, because snails are eaten in various parts of the world, but if anyone ever did try to eat Mr Snape, they would probably have to die from poison from greasiness.

Mr Padfoot would like to add to Mr Moony's statement that anyone who would want to eat Mr Snape is probably in St. Mungo's and is unavailable to try.

Mr Prongs would like to congratulate anyone who would like to eat Mr Snape, because they will be doing a very daring and brave deed to the world – to sacrifice yourself for the lives of so many others! To whomever that will do that – I salute you!

Mr Wormtail would like to ask why Mr Snape is here.

Mr Moony might want to correct Mr Wormtail by stating that Mr Wormtail meant something along the lines of 'there must have been a mistake – no one in the world could make such an ugly specimen!'

Mr Padfoot feels extremely sorry for whoever are Mr Snape's parents. However, Mr Padfoot has the strange feeling that Mr Snape's parents are probably as stupid and dim-witted as Mr Snape himself, so he suddenly does not feel at all sorry.

Mr Prongs hopes Mr Snape will not have any children because Mr Prongs does not think he can bear the sight of so many ugly little brat-faced Snapes running around.

Mr Moony begs Mr Prongs to stop the description of Mr Snape's children or Mr Moony might have nightmares.

Mr Wormtail can even picture a little Snape-like girl throwing rocks at an innocent and pretty-looking little girl.

Mr Prongs feels deeply sorry for the little girl in Mr Wormtail's mind. Mr Prongs might even add that he does not feel sorry for the marks, he is sorry because it will mean one of Mr Snape's descendants have greased the poor girl.

Mr Padfoot also begs to stop describing Mr Snape's disgusting little children.

Mr Moony agrees, and would like to state that Mr Snape's nose is very large.

Mr Prongs welcomes the change of topic, and would like to state that mostly all the time, bits of snot is visible.

Mr Padfoot applauds Mr Prongs's disgusting observance, and would like to add that it covers half of his face. Mr Padfoot would like to tell Mr Snape that the reason why Mr Snape has no friends, girlfriends or boyfriends is because he is too oily.

Mr Wormtail would like to point out that oil is good for the skin, but does agree that the oil on Mr Snape's body is probably poisonous.

Mr Padfoot is surprised that anyone can read what he writes because his abnormally large and oily nose must touch the paper since it is too big!

Mr Prongs would suggest that Mr Snape cut his nose off.

Mr Moony agrees, and though it might seem strange, it would certainly look much nicer.

Mr Wormtail cannot picture Mr Snape without his large nose because his nose is probably his trademark.

Mr Padfoot agrees, but if his nose wasn't, it would be his disgustingly oily hair … or maybe perhaps his grey underwear he wears day after day.

_At this, Snape stopped reading. How did this Mr Padfoot know about his underwear? It was true he wore them day after day … but it didn't really matter did it? It wasn't like he was someone who would always throw them down on the dirt and stamp on them._

Mr Prongs would like to ask Mr Padfoot to not mention Mr Snape's underwear because it is probably covered in moss and cockroach droppings.

Mr Wormtail would like to state that if Mr Wormtail could have a wish; it would be to see Mr Snape covered in cockroach droppings.

Mr Padfoot would like to add to Mr Wormtail's statement. Mr Padfoot would also like to take a photo of Mr Snape in cockroach droppings, and send it to the newspaper.

Mr Prongs would like to suggest perhaps The Daily Prophet? That would be one newspaper that will do justice to the world if the photo is sent.

Mr Moony would like to suggest that the subject of cockroaches be discontinued, as thinking up an image of Mr Snape covered with cockroaches is making Mr Moony sick.

Mr Padfoot would like to ridicule Mr Snape much more.

Mr Prongs agrees.

Mr Moony must disagree, and though Mr Snape is a stupid and oily git, Mr Moony is certain Mr Snape has gotten the message.

Mr Wormtail would like to bid Mr Snape a bad day, and wash his hair, the slimeball.

_With that, the words disappeared off the parchment. Snape was grinding his teeth. Who were the stupid fools who insulted him like that?_

_Standing up, Snape gritted his teeth, and stalked off to Filch's office._

haha, I'm betting you can guess what will happen next! review?? -puppy eyes


	4. Filch

**The Marauder's Map**

**FILCH**

a/n HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Filch scowled angrily at the Marauders passing him. The stupid gang leaders and the damn wolfboy! They thought it was funny to throw food everywhere? Well, they didn't know anything, then!_

_Filch's face twitched horribly. But where was the stupider boy? That fat one that was always tagging along behind them?_

_His ugly fave twisted into a grimace as he tried to figure out where he was. Suddenly, a greasy-haired and sour-faced boy came running into his office, narrowly missing Mrs Norris._

"_Snape!" Filch shrieked. "You have detention! There is to be no running in the castle! You nearly stepped onto Mrs Norris!"_

_Snape composed himself. "Sir, I found this parchment. I think it is some sort of prank."_

_Filch snatched it out of his hands, and waved him away. "Go – you've made your point, stupid boy …"_

_Snape left the office, smirking slightly._

_Filch sat down and examined the parchment. He was no wizard, though he did have a few broken wands in his office. Grabbing one, he poked the paper, saying "Show yourself, you stupid thing." _

_Nothing happened._

_Mrs Norris, the cat, seemed to find something was happening, and jumped onto the desk._

"_Squibs aren't stupid, you know!" Filch muttered. "Just show yourself you mangily old stupid piece of withered work! My sweet – any ideas?"_

_Nothing happened._

"_Why you – ARGUS FILCH, THE CARETAKER OF HOGWARTS AND THEREFORE KEEPER OF THESE STUPID THINGS – DEMAND YOU TO SHOW YOUR STUPID SELF!"_

_He jabbed hard at the parchment, when suddenly words began scripting onto the page._

Mr Padfoot would like to ask Mr Filch to stop jabbing.

_Filch froze._

Mr Prongs agrees with Mr Padfoot, and would like to tell Mr Filch that he needs to get plastic surgery to change his ugly face.

Mr Moony would like to inform Mr Filch that he needs to go to anger management.

Mr Wormtail would like to state that Mr Filch's obsession with Mrs Norris makes him look stupid.

Mr Padfoot would like to correct Mr Wormtail by stating Mr Filch _is_ stupid.

Mr Prongs would like to shake his head at his friends' stupidity, for calling Mr Filch stupid is stupid. Mr Filch is the stupidest of the stupidest.

Mr Moony agrees most sincerely.

Mr Wormtail would like to ask Mr Filch if he is a Mr or a Mrs.

Mr Padfoot would like to know if Mr Filch had sex change.

Mr Prongs would like to find out if Mr Filch is gay.

Mr Moony would like to see if Mr Filch has the hots for Mrs Norris.

Mr Padfoot would also like to know if Mr Filch's parents were trolls.

Mr Prongs would like to mention that though trolls are stupid and ugly, Mr Filch is the stupidest and ugliest.

Mr Wormtail could tell Mr Filch that if Mr Filch would desire to have children, no one will sign his child's birth certificate.

Mr Padfoot would raise an eyebrow to this comment for he can have no children because no sane person would agree to share lives with him.

Mr Moony would like to congratulate Mr Filch on being the most hated caretaker in the world.

Mr Prongs would like to tell Mr Filch that no one else has over a thousand people who hate Mr Filch.

Mr Wormtail feels extraordinarily sorry for Mr Filch's parents.

Mr Moony cannot sympathise enough.

Mr Padfoot does not feel it necessary to feel pitiful for people who raised such an ugly and stupid and idiotic child.

Mr Moony will have nightmares from dreaming of Mr Filch as a child.

Mr Wormtail wonders if Mr Filch as a child was dropped on the head.

Mr Prongs would like to know if Mr Filch is merely stupid or ignorant of his stupidity, which in turn allows him to act stupid anyway.

Mr Moony would like to answer Mr Prongs by stating the obvious. Mr Filch will be stupid for his entire life for his existence if caused for people to tease him for he is too stupid.

Mr Padfoot would like to say that Mr Filch's hormones must be working very strangely if Mr Filch is attracted to Mrs Norris.

Mr Wormtail agrees, and states that Mr Filch is gay because no one likes him.

Mr Prongs would like to suggest that Mr Filch go and drown himself.

Mr Moony demands that Mr Filch should go and incinerate and burn and shoot and poke himself to death with a fork.

Mr Padfoot would like to ask Mr Filch if Mr Filch has ever dreamt of going on a diet.

Mr Wormtail must tell Mr Filch that he is pathetic.

Mr Prongs would like to correct Mr Wormtail. Mr Filch is not pathetic. Mr Filch is VERY pathetic.

Mr Moony would like to certify that everyone believes Mr Filch to be extremely pathetic.

Mr Padfoot would like to correct Mr Moony. People do not believe he is pathetic. People KNOW he is pathetic.

Mr Wormtail would like to state that though is has been a pleasure tormenting the stupid mongrel also known as Mr Filch, Mr Wormtail and his friends will have to retire for now.

Mr Prongs would to farewell the abnormally stupid Mr Filch.

Mr Moony would like to ignore that Mr Filch will be going away soon.

Mr Padfoot would like to tell Mr Filch to go and shove his face in a toilet that has been occupied by a poor person who had a sickness that makes your poo go soft and squishy.

a/n well, how was it:) this time however, I will be expecting requests with the reviews about who the marauder's map should insult next???? I expect reviews ppl! Remember, tell me who you want to get insulted next time:)


	5. Sirius

**The Marauder's Map**

**SIRIUS**

a/n I can hear you muttering … YES HE IS COOL BUT … he is stupid. Even I admit it, and I'm kinda named after him (Miss Padfoot)! so enjoy!! (But Sirius is actually REALLY smart but he just hides it). REVIEW AND U GET NICE INVISIBLE AND TASTELESS COOKIES BUT THEY R NICE ANYWAY SO WATEVA!!!!!!

and no offence to christians or catholics or people who believe in god or something when I write stuff like 'Jesus!' or 'OMG'. so yeh. and I forgot to put disclaimers in be4. I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER:(

_Sirius laughed with his friends as they watched the Slytherin table practically explode._

"_Did you see Snape's face?" he choked, banging his head on the table._

"_I – know!" James gasped, tears collapsing down his face._

_Lily looked disapproving. "Potter – Black – _really_ – and Potter, your glasses are wet."_

_James stopped laughing and took off his glasses. Sirius to his amusement saw Lily's face was slightly red as he wiped them off._

"_You like someone?" he whispered to her._

_Lily flushed deeply, shoved him away, and began drinking her pumpkin juice quickly._

_James looked suspiciously at Sirius. "Nothing mate," he winked._

_James shrugged._

_Suddenly a figure came bearing down onto them._

"_I know it was you," he hissed._

_Sirius stared at Filch, then suddenly burst out laughing. "You – chins – wobble!" he managed to choke out._

_James started to laugh as well. Remus and Peter decided that drinking their pumpkin juice and reading the newspaper was extremely vital at the moment, and so disappeared from Filch's view._

_Filch frowned – the effect was like a rat _(haha Wormtail) _making a face at a fat and ugly cat._

"_Do not speak like that to your elders!" Filch shirked. Soon everyone in the hall was watching this. Dumbledore up front was gazing with amusement at them while Professor McGonagall's mouth was hitched into a frown._

"_You – an elder? I think not – well, I admit you're a kinda old but –" Sirius never finished his sentence as Filch lowered his face – which was no pretty thing – and smirked. _

"_Black, come to my office at 7:00. Don't be late, or you'll be scrubbing the whole hall by yourself with no magic."_

_Sirius gulped. "I'll be there … Filth – oops, did I say that? I meant Filch."_

_Filch growled dangerously, and stalked off, leaving Sirius to hi-five James._

_­_------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Exactly one minute past seven, Sirius strode inside Filch's small, dirty and plopped himself into the chair opposite Filch's desk._

"_Well … I'm here," he smirked._

_Filch narrowed his eyes. "You're late."_

_Sirius shrugged. "Only by a minute or less." His eyes caught a drawer that had a label on it that read _Confiscated and Highly Dangerous.

_Filch's jaw started to shiver, sending his chins wobbling. "I will not tolerate lateness, Black!"_

"_Whatever." A playful smirk tugged at his lips. "What do you want me to do?" Making sure his hands were hidden under the desk, he started to fiddle around in his jacket. _

"_You think this is some kind of joke – Black?" _

_Sirius grinned as he found what he was looking for. Clutching it in his hands, he suddenly craned his neck and acted as if Peeves was behind Filch._

"_Heya Peeves!"_

_Filch swung around and started waving his hands at the air. Sirius tried not to laugh at Filch and instead took out the dungbombs and tossed them into the air. _

_As Filch struggled to clear his eyes and nose, Sirius whipped open the drawer, and his eyes widened in shock at what was inside. Fanged Boomerangs, Screaming Yoyos, hundreds of dungbombs, tubes of weird gases and other fangled things were all cluttered inside. Sirius quickly uttered a spell that made everything inside go into a bag that suddenly appeared, and grabbing it, he quickly left Filch gasping and coughing behind him._

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_Sirius sat down on one of the common room couches, and poured over all his new things. He grinned at the sight of a Polyjuice potion that was disguised as a love potion, and a love potion that was disguised as pumpkin juice._

_Suddenly something caught his eye. He pulled it out and gasped._

_It was the Marauder's Map, in all its glory._

_But what the HELL was it doing in THERE? Peter had left it up in the dorm … or had he?_

_Sirius narrowed his eyes at this. Where was the stinky little rat? Pulling the map towards him, he suddenly realised that because he hadn't used the map in ages, he had forgotten the password._

"_Crap!" Sirius muttered to himself. "Er … Lighten up!" He tapped the map._

_But nothing happened._

"_Tell me how to make cookies," he guessed._

_Nothing happened._

"_Show me where Africa is! Slytherins are scumbags! Hogwarts is warty!" With every statement he said, he poked the wand and kept pouting. "Dinosaurs eat birds! I like custard pie! Peter is a worm! James is a stag! Oooh … haha, that's funny! Um … Remus wolfs down books! Er … Sirius – me, the BEAUTIFUL and DASHING SIRIUS BLACK WILL DROOL DOG DROOL ON YOU IF YOU DON'T HURRY UP AND SHOW YOURSELF TO THE SEXY AND HOT SIRIUS BLACK, ONE OF YOU DAMN CREATORS!!! FOR GOD'S SAKES, JUST SHOW YOURSELF ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!"_

_Words began creeping they're way on to the page as Sirius gained his breath._

Mr Padfoot would like to state that Mr Black is a stupid idiot.

_Sirius scowled. "You're not supposed to insult me!" he muttered. "Wait … 'you're' me …so I'm insulting myself … okay …wait, HEY THAT'S STILL WRONG!"_

Mr Prongs would like to ask Mr Black why his best friend is such a nutter.

"'_Coz I'm you're friend, DUH."_

Mr Moony would like to suggest Mr Black to visit the asylum of idiots.

"_That would be a nice trip!"_

Mr Wormtail would like to tell Mr Black to grow his hair to hide his ugly face.

Mr Padfoot is very ashamed to admit that Mr Black is Mr Padfoot's future self.

Mr Moony would like to tell Mr Black that Mr Black's nose looks rather like Mr Snape's.

_Sirius raised his eyebrows. "He's going down …" he grinned._

My Wormtail would like to tell Mr Black that he is incredibly stupid.

Mr Prongs would like to mention that Mr Black's many bottles of conditioners have not worked at all unless he always desired to be the twin of Mr Snape?

_Sirius glared at the map and vowed to prank James to make his hair turn pink the first chance he got._

Mr Padfoot would like to mention that Mr Black is extremely stupid.

Mr Prongs would like to congratulate Mr Padfoot calling his future self stupid.

Mr Padfoot would like to accept Mr Prongs's congratulations.

Mr Wormtail would definitely call Mr Black an idiot.

Mr Moony would like to hazard a guess that Mr Black is an absolute moron if that has not already been said.

Mr Wormtail would like to pull Mr Black's ears.

Mr Prongs would dearly _love_ to box Mr Black's ears.

Mr Padfoot would like to shield his eyes from the misfortune of seeing his ugly self getting pummelled.

Mr Moony feels no pity for Mr Black for Mr Black's brain is too dim and troll-like to understand pity.

Mr Wormtail would like to raise his eyebrows at Mr Moony's comment.

Mr Prongs must wonder why anyone would pity Mr Black.

Mr Padfoot would like to state that it is obvious.

Mr Prongs understands now.

Mr Wormtail feels that he should be pitied because he is so low in the world.

_Sirius raised his eyebrows at this. Low? Pah! Who was the one who had more than half the percentage of girls in the castle wanting him? And Peter was calling him _low

Mr Moony is glad that Mr Wormtail finally understands the stupidity of Mr Black.

Mr Padfoot is still shocked that Mr Black is his future self.

Mr Prongs offers his sincere sympathy to Mr Padfoot.

Mr Wormtail is deeply disgusted with Mr Black.

Mr Moony would like to state the fact that Mr Black is a dependant fool who would one day decide to turn into a woman.

_Ouch._

Mr Prongs congratulates Mr Moony for he has not thought of Mr Black being a homosexual before.

Mr Padfoot begs to concur.

Mr Wormtail would like to state his opinion that Mr Black is gay because no one likes him.

Mr Moony would like to say Mr Black must've been a girl in his past life.

Mr Prongs would like to tell Mr Black that he is a dirty little slutbag.

Mr Moony would like to tell Mr Prongs off for 'slutbag' is not a word, but agrees that he us little and dirty.

Mr Wormtail would like so say that Mr Black is a donkey.

Mr Padfoot would like to raise his eyebrows at this comment.

Mr Prongs would like to say that Mr Black is a horrible git who neither understands nor appreciates everything good in the world.

Mr Moony would like to pummel Mr Black into a mass of blackness and bruises.

Mr Padfoot must say farewell to stupid Mr Black who deserves a large spanking.

Mr Moony tires of talking to Mr Black and would like to leave without wasting any words for Mr Black.

Mr Wormtail is rather sad for insulting Mr Black is over.

Mr Prongs bids farewell to the idiotic Mr Black who cannot even remember how to access one of his own creations.

_Sirius stared at the parchment. "That's what I get for not being like Remus!" he muttered to himself. "Life isn't fair. I didn't ask to be forgetful." But after he thought _(a/n OMG HE WAS THINKING!!!!!!!! hoho) _for a while he realised that if he was like Remus that would take all the fun outta life. Besides, he thought with a grin, if he hadn't found this he wouldn't have all this junk, plus now he had an excuse to prank the rest of the marauders._

Ok … no offence to homosexuals here ok?? no hard feelings?? and I am SOOOOOOOOO SORRY FOR THE DELAY FOR THIS CHAPTER!!! But those who have read my profile might understand it took me a while 'coz I was SOOOOOOOOOO busy with Kingdom Hearts II!!!!!!!!! did I mention that I have three obsessions: 1. harry potter. 2. kingdom hearts. 3. high school musical. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh and regards to  for ideas for comments!!! hoho I highly recommend you to check it out!!!

and I am SOOOOOOOOOO sorry that this chapter is sooo crap!!!! my favourite one is Snape so far. what about you guys??

plz review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	6. Lucius

**The Marauder's Map**

**Lucius**

a/n hoohohohohoho!!! MUAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!! a few peeps have wanted lucius insulted … so TADA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH DIE LUCY … lucy??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ok … excuse your wonderful writer's blabbering and evil laughing. ok … so here it is!!! lalalalalalala … prances around with utter glee …

disclaimer: I don't own harry potter. :(

also, this idea was VERY ORIGINAL. I did not copy from anyone or get ideas, well I guess I did, coz this came (NOW THIS IS A VERY MINOR SPOILER HERE - from the third book when it insults snape ….) ah well.

oh, I don't own anything excuse my insults. AND … Ok, I know the map is supposed to go to Filch, but I couldn't resist doing Filch quickly. Don't you pplz worry, it'll find its way back into the Confiscated and Highly Dangerous thingy one day!!

_Sirius bounced up and down, thinking of all the pranks he could pull off. Thinking of one, he scooped up everything he had obtained from Filch's drawers and scurried to his dorm. _

_Then it clicked. He finally remembered the password. Groaning, he muttered, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."_

_Ink lines started to appear._

_Looking closer, Sirius saw that the marauders were outside lying down by the lake._

_Breaking into a nasty grin, he said, "Mischeif managed!" and tapped the map. "But not quite," he muttered._

_Grabbing some pink paint (their dorm was filled with all different weird things), the map and James's _(a/n If a name ends with S like James, do we write James's or James's??)_ invisibility cloak, he made his way down to the lake._

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_Lucius swore as he was suddenly knocked down._

"_Watch it you dirty little mud-" He stopped and looked around. There was no one to shout at._

_He glared around the lake, only to see a group of stupid Hufflepuff girls, probably most of them Mudbloods, and at the lake's edge, idiots Potter, Lupin and Pettigrew._

_Suddenly a piece of parchment seemed to drop out of thin air a little bit in front of him._

"_What the hell is this?"_

_He picked it up and scowled at it. it was a normal piece of parchment, looking a little battered and wrinkly._

_Lucius twitched his nose in annoyance. He could get his hands dirty if he kept touching this! Nevertheless, he pocketed it, wanting to find out what it was later in privacy._

_Looking across the lake, he saw three Mudblood buckets of pink paint hovering over three of the Marauders, then suddenly tilt and splatter on them._

_Lucius smirked as he saw them all jump up and down shouting, "PADFOOT!" The blood-traitor. _

_He blinked. Was Potter strangling the air? He smiled evilly. He knew he always needed to go to St. Mungo's._

_Standing up, he strode off to the Slytherin Common Room to identify the mysterious parchment._

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_Lucius frowned. A mere Year One Slytherin girl was sitting on his chair._

"_Get off midgit!" he scowled at her._

_In shock, she tumbled off in fright, allowing him to sit by the empty fireside._

"_Now …"_

_He took his magnificent black wand out and started tapping and flourishing it at the paper._

_Yet nothing worked._

_Muttering darkly, he decided to talk, then realised if people thought he often talked to unanimous objects they might think he was a bit strange._

_Making his decision, cloak billowing _(a/n sound familiar anyone?? hoho –hinthint nudgenudge think of a certain oily black hair and big nosed git)_, he swept up the stairs into his dormitory._

_Slytherin had qutie a few Year 7 boys, but Lucius, being the best, richest, greatest-looking and well-connected, had made himself with magic, a larger room – entered through a portrait in the dorm – with drapery and expensive decorations where only he could enter._

_He gracefully sat in a chair, dusting himself off, and then picked up the parchment._

_Taking out his wand, he tapped it and said, "Reveal your inner secrets to me, Lucius Malfoy!"_

_To his surprise, words started to snake their way onto the parchement._

Mr Padfoot would like to give his greatest disgust to Mr Malfoy.

_Lucius's mouth fell open in shock. No one defied him, yet here was a piece of _parchment_, insulting _him!

Mr Prongs is deeply disgusted that the paper has been touched by foul hands.

Mr Moony is deeply shocked that Mr Malfoy has picked up something more than a year old.

_Lucius's hand twitched, and using to fingers, put it on a table._

Mr Wormtail currently is barfing because Mr Malfoy is standing in the parchment's presence.

Mr Padfoot is extrememly sad that Mr Malfoy is here.

Mr Prongs would like to state that Mr Malfoy is an ugly git. This insult has been used many times, but it it extrememly effective.

Mr Moony has a feeling that Mr Malfoy's parents were probably trolls.

Mr Wormtail would like to agree. That must be the reason for his ugliness.

Mr Padfoot would dearly love to barf on Mr Malfoy the Girl's shoes. Mr Padfoot would like Mr Wormtail to barf on Mr Malfoy's right now.

Mr Prongs would like to spit on Mr Malfoy's shoes.

Mr Wormtail would dearly love to but must remind Mr Padfoot that this is a piece of parchment.

Mr Moony would love to break Mr Malfoy's nose.

Mr Padfoot feels that Mr Malfoy should not be called Mr Malfoy anyway because he feels Mr Malfoy should be called Mr Idiot.

Mr Prongs agrees with Mr Padfoot and would like to start again. Greetings, Mr Idiot.

Mr Wormtail would also like to greet Mr Idiot by wearing poisonous gloves and shaking Mr Idiot's hand.

Mr Moony has an inkling suspicion that Mr Idiot is a very big idiot.

Mr Padfoot has an inkling suspicion that Mr Idiot cut off his manhood to prove that he is a prettyboy.

Mr Prongs agrees sincerely, and also thinks that Mr Idiot picked some disgusting flower like rotten flowers to put there instead.

Mr Wormtail does not know what the others are talking about and will say instead that Mr Idiot needs to lose 300 kilos.

Mr Moony feels that reminding Mr Idiot that he is a loner and has no friends, only people who hate his inner and outside being.

Mr Padfoot would like to tell Mr Idiot that is a stuckup, ignorant, bloody stupid, idiotic, pimply, chicken-pox freak, drug addicted, moron-like, demented, extremely git-like, bratty, whingy, cowardy, sooky, damn cracked up, mentally retarded, discombobulated, freaky, snobby, a follower and bullying toerag.

Mr Prongs agrees with Mr Padfoot heartily.

Mr Moony agrees, but would like to state that Mr Malfoy is an ass, blockhead, cretin, donkey, dimwit, ox, dumbbell, dunce, dunderhead, twit, half-wit, ignoramus, imbecile, jackass, jerk, kook, meathead, mental defective, moron, nincompoop, ninny, nitwit, pinhead, pointy head, simpleton, stupid, tomfool, twit and a yo-yo.

Mr Wormtail would like to ask why Mr Idiot is a fun and little Muggle toy.

Mr Moony would like to shake his head and answer Mr Wormtail by stating the fact that a yo-yo can be described to people as an idiot.

Mr Padfoot would like to continue to drone on. Mr Idiot is also an animal, appalling, awful, bad-looking, beast, deformed, disfigured, dog, dogface, foul, frightful, grisly, gross, grotesque, grungy, hag-like, hard-featured, hideous, homely, horrid, ill-favored, loathsome, misshapen, monstrous, pig, plain, plug, repelling, repugnant, repulsive, revolting, unbeautiful, uncomely, uninviting, unlovely, unprepossessing, unseemly, unsightly and disgustingly ugly.

Mr Prongs would like to join in the fun of comparing Mr Idiot to idiot names. Mr Prongs feels all these emotions when he sees/hears Mr Idiot: abhorrence, abomination, anathema, animosity, animus, antagonism, antipathy, aversion, bete noire, bother, detestation, disgust, dislike, dog-eye, enmity, execration, frost, grievance, gripe, hatred, horror, hostility, ill will, irritant, loathing, malevolence, malignity, mislike, nuisance, objection, odium, pain, rancor, rankling, repugnance, repulsion, resentment, revenge, revulsion, scorn, shudders, spite, trouble and venom.

Mr Wormtail admits that he cannot think of so many words so would settle with stating the fact that he would love to pulverise Mr Idiot into a million pieces.

Mr Padfoot would like to tell Mr Idiot that he is a bludgeon, a bluster, a browbeat, a buffalo, a bulldoze, a coerce, a cow, a despotize, a domineer, a dragoon who harasses, hectors, jackboots, a damn ugly menace that oppresses, overbears, persecutes, pushes around innocent kiddies, a showboat who swaggers, terrorizes, threatens, torments, tortures and tyrannizes. All in all, Mr Padfoot hates Mr Idiot with a fiery passion.

Mr Moony would like to stop with this and simply tell Mr Idiot to stop reading this parchment and get his smelly behind up and moving and _away_ from here.

Mr Prongs would like to kick Mr Idiot right now, but feels that should be saved for another time so for now he would like to simply tell Mr Idiot to shove his big and hairy face out of the picture.

Mr Wormtail would like to say farewell to the abominable, repulsive, vile, detestable, awful and hideous Mr Idiot now.

Mr Padfoot would like to finish this off now and bids the idiotic Mr Idiot farewell.

_Lucius stared at the parchment. His face was very pink and splotchy._

_Grabbing the parchment, he swept off to find a teacher to report to. No one got away with insulting Lucius Malfoy!_

No offence to ppl who do need to lose 300 kilos though. No offence to those with pimples, I just think it'd be funny to see him with dots on his perfect porcelain face. Also no offence to donkeys. lol. Get ready for the next chapter peeps!!


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